Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Each time I finish a paper my finger hovers over the send key. For a long, long time.
Part of me is resisting the idea of being judged. Not for some high minded notion but out of fear that this will finally be the revealing moment that I don't have a clue and continuing ed might be for anyone else but definitely not for me. The other day my parents asked me if I'd be content with Cs or Bs. Up 'til then I hadn't even thought of that. I was working more on a pass/fail basis. Either I can do this = A or I can't = F.
Prior to this experience I would have been able to say confidently that I am aware of my insecurities. This process, however, has introduced me to the mass of insecurity just under the surface. The mountain I knew, turns out, was actually a well known Irish landmark named, Tip O'theiceberg. And each time I push "send", my hull scrapes against it and I become concious of how thin my shell really is.
I'm down to one last paper to submit. It's been done for a few days now. It's been re-done every days since and sometimes twice in one day. After this is my exam. I think I'll have to rely on my elusive wife to push send that day.
I have so much to learn.