John
Wimber used a string of metaphors to describe what the Church is and how we’re
supposed to engage with one another and the world. John said, “The Church
is called to be a family, a hospital, a school and an army.” We experience the
truth of these metaphors, not just through their positive characteristics, but
through their negative characteristics as well or the unintended consequences
of functioning in these ways together.
A
question I’ve been asked many times in pastoral ministry has been in
relationship to one of the Ten Commandments. The question goes something like, “How
do I honor my father and my mother when they’ve…” and there is a spectrum of
things with which you can fill in the blank that range from the cruel and
criminal to the thoughtless and absent. Family is like heaven when it’s good
and it can feel like hell when it’s bad.
If
that’s true, it’s just as true about church family. And it can really scramble
our eggs when this family we’ve become a part of is the setting of both our
healing and our hurting. What is true of family systems can be especially true
of our denominational or ecclesiastical systems. And the special kind of grief
and hurting that family systems generate for those within, our church
government systems will not only duplicate but even amplify because of the
mixture of familial relationship and the practice of faith in God.
In
the church system of today there is a culture that has developed that further
compounds the hurt and harm done. This culture is found in many or most of the
expressions of the church in North America today but is probably most prevalent
in the Fundamental, Evangelical and Charismatic sub-cultures. We’ve taken this
beautiful idea of “honor your father and mother” and turned it into something
controlling, shaming and dismissive. An “honor culture” has come to dominate our
culture in a way that makes, “speaking the truth in love” seem abusive or at
least disrespectful and wrong.
I’m
not suggesting this is something brand new but I am saying that we are now reaping
the full effect of this dysfunctional way of relating to each other as the
family of God.
How
does the honor culture manifest? We have come to believe that honoring men is
more important and pleasing to God than telling the truth about abuse or
neglect. When someone in leadership is doing or has done something wrong we
quote, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” As if it actually says, “Love covers
up a multitude of sins.” And that we are somehow honoring God by protecting the
reputations or speaking well of those in leadership because God places a higher
value on honoring people in power than calling them out for the hurt they
cause. And while there are egregious examples that make the news and we can all
shake our heads over and feel good that we’d never “do that,” it is the result
of the very same culture that we’ve allowed to develop wherein a senior pastor
speaks in ugly and disrespectful ways to the worship pastor on staff and we
make excuses and insist on everyone holding their silence and telling ourselves
that the number of people coming to faith is more important than calling the
leader out and insisting their behavior stops.
In
family systems there are rules that develop. The members of the family aren’t
given a manual or asked to watch a video detailing the rules and yet the same
rules come up again and again in these dysfunctional families. A counseling organization’s
website lists some of these rules:
Here are some typical spoken
or unspoken rules in unhealthy family systems:
Do what “looks good”, even
if it is dishonest
Don’t be a bother and don’t
rock the boat
Deny things you don’t want
to see, and they will go away
Do what I say, even when I
do the opposite
Express only happy positive
feelings
It is wrong to be angry or
sad
You must never question our
behavior, but go along with it
You must conform to what we
expect of you, no matter what
Your needs are not as
important as our needs[1]
So,
here’s a simple question. Have you ever heard or felt any of the above coming
from the leadership of your faith community? Your denomination, network or your
movement? Do you think God is more interested in “honor” or health or truth? Do things usually
get better because we look the other way or do things tend to only improve when
we speak truth to power? Ask yourself, do the people who we ask to follow the rules feel as empowered as the people who make our rules?
There’s
a risk here, whether it’s in our biological family or our church family, denomination
or movement. If you rock the boat and speak up you are likely to be told you
have a rebellious spirit or told you are being cynical or have a spirit of
cynicism or told the only problem is that you keep complaining when no one else
is or, and this is the hardest cut of all, you'll be ignored until you go away. When talking
to others who are feeling the need to speak up in family situations like these
I always offer the same warning, don’t bring it up unless you are fully
prepared to have the family shun you – we are quicker to turn on the person who
turned on the light than the person who brought the darkness to begin with.
This is especially true in our church families.
But
I still have this conviction that these words are true, “And you will know the
truth, and the truth will set you free.”
What rule of dysfunction have you broken? How can we honor each other without ignoring the harm we and others in our family system do?
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